This week the most powerful man in technology, and maybe on the planet, announced he’ll be taking a few months off to help raise his daughter. I think the news reveals quite a bit about how our generation regards fatherhood and ultimately why we need to be taking paternity leave. But, for the moment, paternity leave is a medicine we still can’t seem to choke down. If we want to really make an inroad here, and I’d argue as a society we have plenty riding on this, we need to advance past the press-release stage and start taking harder measures.
Becoming A Father Is Hard
Ed and Karen Zuckerberg, Mark’s parents, would probably hit it off with your folks: They met while in graduate school, got married in their 20’s, moved into a modest home and soon after welcomed the first of three babies.
As a generation, we marvel at how our parents just plunged into marriage and family building. Maybe we’re overly-responsible, but for most of us having a kid before we’re settled is hard to fathom.
But accumulating stability costs precious time. Couples today get pregnant nearly a decade later than their grandparents. With every passing year, getting pregnant, and staying pregnant, becomes harder. Suffering a miscarriage shakes you at your core, and for couples like the Zuckerbergs, I can only imagine the pain associated with suffering three such disappointments. In these situations, as a hopeful father, you beg for mercy. You mourn for your future. Your heart breaks for your partner. And you make vows to be present and loving and attentive, should your luck ever change.
For a growing generation of couples, like the Zuckerbergs, we must go through hell to get the baby we always wanted. Ultimately, when our boss calls to drag us away from our partner and newborn miracle, we’re much more likely to send that call to voicemail. And enjoy the rest of the day at the park.
But Becoming A Good Dad Is Harder Still
And yet many of us still realize that as hard as it can be to father a child, to be a spectacular dad is infinitely more challenging. Generally speaking, I think our generation harbors real concerns about whether we are up to the task.
In the 1980’s, Ed Zuckerberg bought his first home at age 30 and then used that same roof to house his dental practice. His kids horsed around in the waiting room and the family was close knit. Growing up in our household, my dad was the hardest working man on the block, and when he was in town, he was home by 6PM. No matter what. Back then only Al Gore used email (atleast, according to Al Gore) and if a work call came through on our house landline, my mom shot my dad a sideways glance. Computers weren’t mobile so if my dad wanted to bring work home with him, he had better be ready to carry it in both arms. When the man was present, he was very present.
Today’s dads are just different. For starters, according to Pew, nearly 3 in 10 dads don’t even live in the same house as their babies and the majority of those don’t break bread with their children even once a week. Married men with salaries are now 35% more likely to work 50 hours per week, and even when they’re “off”, they’re still connected to the job and paranoid. In a recent survey of new fathers, less than 10% said they thought it was easier to be a great dad today than during their father’s generation. And no doubt, maybe our standards for great dads have been raised.

My dad and I used to go to Celtics games in the 1980s and during time-outs and halftime, we just hung out. By the mid-1990s, you started to notice dads using their new company-issued Startac to check voicemail, maybe once a quarter. Come the 2000’s, dads donned blackberries and checked email every timeout. Today, dads are on Slack and responding to messages seemingly every change of possession.
Today, dads are on Slack and responding to messages seemingly every change of possession.
Many future fathers wonder if we can realistically do better and reverse the trend. The truth is many of us still use our own parents HBO Go accounts. We prefer to work until we’re simply exhausted and hate to be interrupted. We probably stayed single a tad too long. And yes, we still play video games. Collect sneakers. And wear them to work. We act like sophomores in college, and dress like sophomores in high school. Are we unselfish enough, and reliable enough, to raise wonderful kids?
Paternity Leave or Paternity Left
Amidst the silent apprehension, paternity leave should feel a godsend. For a generation committed to data and proof, there are reams of studies that demonstrate taking paternity leave creates equality in the home and healthier relationships between father and child. Reading on, and between, the lines of Mark Zuckerberg’s announcement, he buys into the notion paternity leave helps address concerns that haunt so many men of our generation.
But nearly 50% of dads who have the option to use generous paternity leave (let’s call it 4+ weeks), still don’t take all of it. What’s even weirder is that when dads were asked if they should get longer paternity leave, a healthy majority answered “no”. Where I came from, people don’t just turn down paid leave lightly, so you better believe something else is up.

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